Ready to Go

Just a little about me.  I'm first and foremost a woman, then the mother of 8 children and have 18 grandchildren.  I have the very best of support from them and they held me together with love, scotch tape and glue and hope these past few months since my beloved husband died.  He was a sweet and gentle man who never met anyone he didn't like and was so comfortable in his own skin that he could never imagine any one not liking him in return.  He loved his God, his family and his community in that order.  Our hearts are broken and we will feel his absence every day of our lives, for the rest of our lives, but we will do so with many happy memories.  

But for this lady, memories don't seem to be enough.  The trick will be to learn to go on without him.  What can happen to make me smile and laugh again? When will I get used to his not being across the room offering his quiet and gentle presence to my life. He's behind every door, around every corner and in every thought.  He's first in my mind in the morning and last at night.   Thinking of him and what I've lost is so hurtful that I wish he wouldn't keep coming to me.  But then, if he didn't keep appearing and making his presence known, I don't think I could go on.  It's a comfort and a pain; a joy and a sorrow. 

A wise man told me that "hurting heals, but healing hurts." He spoke the truth.   It healing is what's happening, I'm hurting like hell. I've started this blog because I think maybe writing these things down will help a little.  I've lost my job and don't really know what else to do with myself.  I know how blessed my life has been and I try every day to be grateful for it but things just aren't any fun any more.  Any ideas?