Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Strange, strange, strange! I forgot all about this blog. Someone must have suggested that it might be good for me to write down my thoughts and feelings during the awful months following John's death. I think I was in such pain at that time that I would try anything and everything offered as possible relief. I guess it must have worked somewhat, somehow, because I'm still here. I guess I'm feeling less gut wrenching pain; am still lonely; still miss him; still think about him; still searching for something/anything that will make me consistently happy again!

Someone very dear to me "stumbled" on this blog and reminded me that it even existed. I searched until I found it and am amazed that I could forget to "share" my on-going growth, decline ... growth ... decline ... stumbling .... searching .... laughing .... crying ... living .. in this mystery of widowhood. It's been said that time heals all and I'm not sure that's so. I think in many ways it's harder now 2 1/2 years later because now I know it's for real; that it's not going away; that he's in the next passage of this journey we call life. I can only hope he's happy and doing and accomplishing all the wonderful things he didn't get a chance to complete in his days here.

I will tell you that losing that piece of my heart and soul has made me more aware of how little time we spend in this particular phase of our journey. We are miniscule specks in the full picture of things and it makes me absolutely certain that our energy and self that's gone from here are very definitely filling space in another place. Now if I could only figure out with absolute certainly how our lives on earth affect our next lives wherever, you can be sure I'd be a woman with a mission ....... that is, to prepare for my next phase when I hope I will be reunited with all the loved ones I've lost during my 77 years here.

Whoever it was who originally suggested I try to find some relief on a blog was right. If no one ever reads it, that's perfectly okay. If anyone does and finds some wisdom in it, that's okay as well. But whatever, I do feel a sense of relief in being able to say whatever I want about how I'm feeling and to imagine that someone is listening. Maybe even my beloved Johnny F. is reading it from his special place and smiling. I love you John always and forever!


Blogger dors4 said...

"...still searching for something to make me happy again." Seems that you've found it in your writing. You now have to give yourself permission to be happy. It really is okay to live without him by your side. He was your partner, not your reason. You're doing a fabulous job at this we call life. Keep up the great works <3

April 21, 2011 at 9:00 AM  

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