Tuesday, January 15, 2013



Is it wisdom, frustration, or simple acceptance and common sense?  My God given drive  and need to make this world a better place has been imbedded in my soul for as long as I can remember.  It’s always just been there.  Nothing I’ve searched for our wrestled with.  It’s as much a part of me and as natural  as taking a breath.  I can’t see it, describe it well, smell it or fully understand it.  It’s just ever present.  It doesn’t surprise me nor does it intimidate me.  It’s flow is as natural as the flow of a country stream skipping downhill and sliding over glistening bedrocks.   It’s strength is as powerful as the pounding surf and its presence as warm and bright as the morning sun.

So why after 80 plus years of living have I lost my mission?  There must be more I can do,  Notwithstanding physical limitations wrought by advanced age I no longer feel the drive.  I’ve lost my hope and my faith.  It’s been taken away by living and I can no longer capture it.  I no longer shrink when I see the horrors and tragedies of nature and human kind.  They have become so common place that I no longer feel them.  They’ve managed to creep so far under my skin that I’ve become almost immune to them.  The horror of man to man and nature to man no longer shocking.  Nor do I have any better understanding of the why’s and wherefore’s of their existence.  Ruwanda, the Sudan, Haiti, Malawi, 125th Street and the South Bronx, Hurricane Sandy, Katrina and Seaside Heights?  Where was He in Sandy Hook?  And so many more horrors near and far that we never see or hear about.  Why were not His loving arms there to embrace the young Indian girl who was stoned to death before crowds of cheering people because she chose to love a man of her choice. And those sweet innocents in Newtown had no place to hide … no safe haven … no soothing arms to hold their shaking bodies.

I seem to have lost my energy and my resolve.  I’m pleading with and begging my God to awaken my heart and soul once again.  I’m confident that He hears me but am not hearing his answers.   I’m trying to believe He’s speaking to me through friends and families but I’m either not listening or He’s speaking too softly for me to hear.

I’m trying to believe  that calmness is one way to show and be patient with my faith in God.  I’m trying but that  doesn’t seem to be working.


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